creation

Actually intended to write my thoughts about Beau, but then I got sidelined by something completely different (common Beau L) 

I've recently dissected the way I get myself to create things that I finish and/or actually enjoy. Not that it is universally applicable. But maybe you find some useful tools. 

There are 2 contrasting creative sides that are in an interesting relationship. Not necessarily in conflict tho (although sometimes they're warring violently. It's quite entertaining, haha)

The first side I will call "fan-me". I guess you can also call it the cringe or self-indulgent side :3

Superficially, this is the reason why designed Nora with mouse-ears but she still looks mainly human. I just think she looks the best that way. For worldbuilding reasons this is critically fatal, because now, everyone with the same species (and similar) as her will be designed with her as reference. I could've gotten more creative with MANY designs if the mouse design was more furryish-anthro, lol. Or on the other hand, most of the stories would've worked perfectly fine if Nora was just a normal looking human. But man, wouldn't that be extremely boooring?

So the fan-me is the side that just... fixates on things, because they are somehow fun, or compelling in any other way, regardless of the commonly perceived "quality". There are many masterpieces I don't really know and care about, and as much as I am a snob, sometimes I love certain things that have nothing to do with how good they really are.

Also, if it isn't obvious yet, that side is a total freak, lol. It's fun to go full multishipper- mode with a character like Nora (I'm sorry to past me who wanted her to be completely sexless*, I listened to too much shoegaze while writing her lore, haha). Imagining and noting down the wild scenarios is one of the things that keeps me (in)sane. However, this is where the productive part of "fan-me" ends. Most of that stuff ends with imagining and rough doodles. Because for the fan me, that shit is already enough. I don't care to share that part with you. This is only for me. 

... so why isn't that enough for me? Why is there still something that I want to desparately show off to others?

The other side is the “creator-me“. Quite vague because how else would you describe God? HAHA-, this creature is drawn like a silly little gremlin here, but actually it is terrifying nightmare being that haunts me every day (forgive me for depicting you as a silly kitty).

I could've lived a perfectly normal life. Just hanging out with my pals, family, doing fun things and then do a few silly doodles here and there- and that would've been enough. But of course this being gives me the most haunting questions to which can't give a proper answer. And now I'm tied to year-long commitments in search for truth. For what? To be called a smart, good little bean?

This part of me holds significantly more power over me than fan me. If simple fun isn't enough, I will be forced to act by my sense of obligation. And what does it tell me to do? It asks me what awaits after all possible kinds of suffering. Growth? Grief? I don't know? Basically, I just end up writing mostly downer, heartbreaking stories- and then I have to find some scraps of meaning behind it. I guess I wanna know of if there is someone who resonates with struggling with the same questions. Sometimes I do think it's a shame tho because I also have ideas for perfectly fine lighthearted stories, but I can't execute them because I'm not willing to suffer for them as much (Who knows? Maybe this part of me changes someday and I'm able to stare at the sun without it hurting my eyes).
Still, even with the amount of power this part has at its fullest utiliazation, If I only rely on that part, this will only leave me miserable. 

Past example here: * Funnily enough I relied too much on the creator-me and neglected fan-me while creating Beau & Nora (the series), which didn't even had that much angst (yet). I initially purposefully designed Beau & Nora to be aesthetically bland (and again, asexual) to prove to myself that I could create interesting characters, even if they ain't really attractive and don't have anything to do with romance (that part not gonna change with Beau tho). Also I had too much shame in me to share any yuri ofc. In the end some of the self-indulgent stuff ended up bleeding through tho. But that was not enough, so I ended up discontinuing the series.
(Also my initial plan of the story for B&N was over 6 years ago, most of the writing there is certified-- ok let's just say that it's outdated.)

The obvious solution is to intermingle both of these parts with each other. The characters dreamt up and nurtured by fan-me are now used to be vessels some challenging stories. Without compromising how they look or feel like. Even if I shoot myself at the foot with this and have to reverse engineer their backstory based on how I visually designed them (this happened to my 2 latest designs, haha...). But for some reason this way of creating sparks so much joy and fufillment that I dont mind the roundabout work.
Also the mushy/ romantic/ freaky stuff sometimes complement the agony and suffering of my way of storytelling pretty well, so that's been a really fun process.

The two sides are still in conflict sometimes, and most of the Time (when it comes down to the plot), the creator part wins, but at least some stuff is implied enough for fan me to headcannon things and and spin what-ifs to enjoy it too ^^

 

... uh, if you're reading this after reading my current comic project, please just forget everything I've written here. The comic was only meant to be a perfecly fine fluffy side story. :)